I am fortunate that I am still amazed by my body and I don’t say this in an arrogant or conceited way but really in an amazement way. Since the day I woke up in May of 2003 and literally couldn’t walk I have grown stronger, more dedicated to my health and wellbeing and pushed my body to incredible limits when I could. I would also struggle a lot with “I can’t do that” moments when the truth was I didn’t know if I could or couldn’t. It was a defense mechanism that I used because my body has failed me many times in the past and I didn’t feel confident in it. I would amaze myself with different challenges and goals but in the back of my mind I always had this unsettled feeling that my body would once again fail me and unfortunately it did in the form of flares. I would have my flare, move on, and start back at base-line, and work my way back up until my next flare always wondering when that flare might come. Never really believing it won’t come. I still don’t believe it won’t come and although I don’t prepare so much for the flare I’m just more open to it coming and going.
As many of you have read I’m truly focused on my yoga and practice hours upon hours a week. I’m working on my teacher training, I’m also just working toward yoga for life but most recently I’m working toward a yogathon which takes place this Sunday at Gillette Stadium (Our NE Patriots Football home) and I will be doing yoga all day. I love the aspect of doing yoga all day and have not worried once about whether my body would hold up until about a week ago when during a long session of yoga my shoulders got incredibly fatigued from chaturanga dandasana and I got that aching feeling as to whether my body was once again going to fail me.
Since I have started a daily meditation practice I have been using my meditation as a way to make peace with my body and let go of some of these uncertain feelings I have and be proud of the body I have. This week I have literally done back to back sessions of yoga and increased my hours upon hours to (hours, upon hours, upon hours) of yoga this week getting ready and training for Sunday. I woke up this morning thinking my body truly rocks. I am truly proud of what I have put this body through for the last 44 days training for this yogathon and so very much looking forward to how it performs on Sunday. I’m proud that it is strong and that my conditioning is good. In my meditation I allow myself to have thoughts of flare and then I disconnect from those thoughts. Meditation is not about stopping the thoughts but letting them come and go and disconnecting from them.
I still don’t know what the future holds for this body of mine and living with MCTD but I do feel very capable and able to ask it to do things that would otherwise scare me. I’m nervous for Sunday, rightfully so, but for other reasons. The crowd, the unknown, the weather, and lower on the list is whether my body will hold up. I will be doing a follow up to describe my experience and how it all went and in the mean time I still have 2 more days of training before the big day and thankful for the achievement of strength.