DO I DESERVE THIS?

We have successfully entered into the New Year pretty eventful-free and although 2014 was a good year for me I’m looking forward to what 2015 has to offer, hopefully full of flare-up free days and lots of great health. I have made the commitment to do regular PT sessions which I started back in the fall and carrying over into the New Year because I believe it helps with overall management even if they are not fixing any specific issue. There are always my blue fingers to focus on, natural tightness in my joints and working on the strength of my smaller joints like wrists, elbows or ankles.

I was at my weekly PT session last night and while I’m lying there having my energy manually manipulated my PT looks at me and says “contrary to what you may believe you do not deserve this?” Wow, where did that come from and how does someone process such words? I didn’t even know what she really meant so I had to ask her and she said that my energy was telling her that I believed I deserved this. I deserve what, taking care of myself by being here, or that I deserve MCTD? I needed clarification and she gave it to me. She is feeling in my body that I somehow think I deserve MCTD. She even asked me if someone told me I deserved such a disease. I had to passive-aggressively ignore her line of questioning while I wrapped my head around what she was saying.

On my way home the thought kept coming back to me that why would I ever believe I deserved this. Why would anyone believe they deserved any disease especially one that comes without a cure? I searched my inner soul to see if I can find the place in which she found that I actually believe this to be true. I even spoke to my husband when I got home and although we call my PT “voodoo” PT but none the less we both believe and especially I believe it works. This type of voodoo feeling energy that says I feel as though I deserve this doesn’t really work for me. I’m not saying she cannot feel weird things happening in my body but how would she ever be able to feel feelings? I believe I deserve a lot things but MCTD is not one of them.

I feel very good after my weekly sessions and will continue to do them but I will have to come up with a polite way to let her know that is not a topic of conversation I care to engage in. I have an open heart to many things and she did say that maybe I should meditate on it. Maybe I will.

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2 thoughts on “DO I DESERVE THIS?

  1. jodiebodie January 11, 2015 at 2:41 am Reply

    Who is this person to judge how you feel? It sounds out of line to me.

    It sounds as if she is trying to project her schema of the world onto you. Like the people who insist that those with disability or chronic illness ‘must have a lesson to learn’ or ‘are being punished’ in order for them to make sense of it because if they admitted your MCTD was caused by just chance, a genetic defect, damage from somewhere, an infection etc. then they must also admit their own vulnerability, their own mortality and the possibility that they do not have as much control over their lives as they would like to think. Those facts are probably more confronting to them than making up some ‘spiritual’ reason so they can ‘blame the patient’ to comfort themselves.
    MCTD is physical, not spiritual.

  2. mevsmctd January 11, 2015 at 3:00 pm Reply

    Jodie
    Interesting thoughts, you have given me another avenue for exploring this and why some people may feel this way. Thank you for your insight

    Nicole

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