I wrote in my journal this morning that I have gone 33 days without a flare and while I’m writing away in my journal I’m feeling as though there is so much I want to write but nothing is coming to the surface for me to write about. I went for a walk and did some weight training thinking that the sweaty morning would be what I needed to make me feel whole. After an hour and half of sweating, grunting, and working my body I was still feeling out of sorts. I had a yoga class planned but I got there early so I could spend a little time on my mat by myself before the rest of the class came in. The Sunday morning group are delightful people who I enjoy speaking with at great length but I needed a little time by myself in a comfortable environment with a little quiet. I got to the studio unrolled my mat and started in Mountain Pose or Tadasana.

I must say ahead of time that with my teacher training I am working on my Mountain Pose all the time. Getting the triangle in my feet just right, laying all 10 toes on the mat equally, locking my legs without locking my knees by really using my quads and hamstrings. Tilting my tailbone towards the floor, lifting my abdomen. Opening my heart center by seeking my shoulders downward. Pulling my chin back, lifting my head ever so slightly, and yes breathing. This is how I have learned this posture, this is how I spend hours practicing this posture. This is how I see me doing this posture really well.

This morning I got on my mat, rooted my feet and felt my body do what it wanted to do, not the words I speak so quietly in my own head about this posture. This is not my time to teach or be taught, this was a few minutes on my mat by myself to let my body do what it needs to do. I knew I wasn’t in a perfect posture, but no posture is perfect. The beauty of yoga is that we can always be changing our postures based on what our bodies, minds and spirits need. There are many times in my life when I need to be perfect or want to perfect, whatever that perfect looks like for me at the time. In the yoga studio I do not seek that perfection. I can be exactly who I am, a non-perfect woman, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and yoga practitioner. The beauty of practicing alone is that there is truly no judgment. I do not see myself, no one sees me either and I am doing exactly what my body wants.

I felt really out of balance this morning and honestly needed a good cry on my mat. What am I sad about? I have no idea, I rarely have time to be sad and I rarely find myself in a situation where I am sad. I could be confusing sadness for honest and great fatigue. I know that I’m out of balance and haven’t felt great since my flare which was about 37 days ago. I don’t know what brought that flare on and I don’t know why it is taking so long for my body to get back to my base line. I have tried extra sleep, I have tried physical therapy. I have tried hours upon hours of quiet time on my yoga mat. OK, that is not true, I am on my yoga mat for hours upon hours but that is because I’m in teacher training and have to train, practice, and train some more. I am exhausted with life and feel so fatigued that I want to cry. This feeling out of balance has gone on long enough and now I’m desperate to find that balance I need so much. During my class I was using a mantra “I will find balance” I said it over and over at different periods of that 90 minutes.

As my husband and I went about our day doing chores I was saying in my mind, “I will find balance” and as we walked the golf course playing for one of our final days I was saying “I will find balance” the more I say it the more I will believe it. This is part of my living yoga, not just learning it or teaching it but really living it. We all find ourselves out of balance. Sometimes it is for short periods of time and we find our way back with ease. Other times it is for long periods of time and we aren’t sure how to find our way back. I am living in the world of unbalanced and I realized that being “desperate” is not the way to find my way back but to actually start moving myself back to a place of balance.

This evening I’m giving my body exactly what it needs which means I will sit quietly, by myself, watching a sad movie of my choice without judgment and just cry if I need to. I won’t force it because if I find that the cry is not really what I need but more just some quiet time there is no need to cry I don’t want to force it. Finding balance is going with the flow, being in the moment, and letting things happen the way they should. I don’t want to dictate how to get back my balance, I want to feel the balance make its way back natural. I just hope it happens soon.


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7 thoughts on “OUT OF BALANCE

  1. gconstan October 20, 2014 at 12:04 am Reply

    Your post is really speaking to me right now. I can barely remember the last time I had a MCTD flare, but over the last few days I have found myself with some of the preliminary symptoms; achy swollen joints, anxiety, headaches. All in all, it feels exactly like you have described: unbalanced. I feel less like I am sick, and more as if I am just out of it. I’m really thinking a lot of it has to do with the weather, and some recent stressful life events, but it is always so jarring when a wrench like this gets thrown into your routine.

    I like how you are just allowing yourself to get back on track. It can be so hard with all of the pressures of daily life, but ultimately you can’t get better for a job or an event or for anyone else but yourself. I try to keep this in mind too when my active friends and demanding job chide me for taking a break. Keep up the self-centering and thanks for the post- it’s just what I needed to hear.


    • mevsmctd October 20, 2014 at 1:54 pm Reply

      Hello Geena
      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and write to me. I’m so glad that my words met you where you are right now. Sometimes just reading something about someone else helps us find our own paths or perspectives. We all have our good days and even great days along with having some bad days. I hope you continue to find your good and great days.


  2. mjh October 20, 2014 at 6:23 am Reply

    I’m so sorry that you are feeling that way. I understand. I have been there. Can I make a suggestion? Try saying “I am balanced”, rather than “I will find balance”. I will find balance is in the the future. You are telling yourself that you will find it. Tell yourself that you already have it. Speak as if it is already done and believe it with joy! There is a wonderful book that I have been reading that has been helping me. It is an old book that a friend suggested I should read. It is “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy. Between the Paleo diet (which I found out from your blog), supplements and this book, I am doing well. I have been off Xeljanz for 3 weeks and so far so good. I will see. But I have hope and I really don’t want to go back on medication. I am now looking for a Bikram yoga class near me. You have been such an inspiration for me, as I too have had MCTD. I am saying it in the past, because I am believing it is. 🙂 However, I am still learning.

    • mevsmctd October 20, 2014 at 2:08 pm Reply

      I love your suggestions so much and will start using it immediately. “I am balanced” I will continue to use this until and after I find my own balance. Part of writing this blog for me is finding people like you who continue to help me in my journey. Thank you for taking the time to write


  3. samantha October 26, 2014 at 3:42 pm Reply

    I was diagnosed about 2 or maybe 3 years ago. I am in a flare and it is so incredibly painful to walk. I see a new Rheumo Monday… Tomorrow. I’m becoming more depressed and scared of this disease. I don’t know a lot about it… Any advice? I’m 48 and on Plaquenil for the MCTD. _Samantha

    • mevsmctd October 26, 2014 at 11:12 pm Reply

      Thank you for taking the time to write. Once you meet with your new doctor tomorrow you will have a good idea right away if you trust them and if you will be able to work together to figure out your management plan. I know this is a time of uncertainty but the management plan for one is not always the management plan for others so you will have to do a lot of trial and error and it is doable if you have a good working relationship with your doctor. There is not an easy answer and whether to take meds or not is very personal. I would say that Plaquenil has worked very well for me for the last 11 years but it works in combination with other meds for me as well. MCTD is considered rare which means they still don’t know a lot about it and the symptoms are so different for each person but the pain in walking can be scary and frustrating. Perhaps some physical therapy might help as you figure things out as your PT can give you some gentle exercises to keep your legs moving and make walking a little more bearable.
      I wish you the best of luck at your appointment tomorrow and on your journey. Please keep me posted


  4. jodiebodie December 13, 2014 at 1:15 pm Reply

    I am hoping you find balance soon too. It is so frustrating and easy to be impatient when we have successfully lived so long without a flare. May you be greeted by a very good day very soon.

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