I have seriously lost my mind, and feel like I could be suffering from Alzheimer’s and if I don’t write things down immediately they are gone. I can also be looking at something and I know what it is but I can’t remember the name of it. I’m coming across as unorganized and unfocused in certain situations which so frustrating. I’m a Type A personality and for someone like me to lose total control over her body, mind, soul, surroundings, emotions and everything that pertain that is an extremely scary and overwhelming feeling.
On this day in Bikram I was looking at myself in the mirror and in my head I actually said “I hate you” and started to cry. Not an ugly cry and with all the sweating I was doing no one knew it was happening but at that moment I knew control was gone from me in all aspects. I am a phenomenal student of life and I research, try, and fail at so many things but I keep trying and researching so my new part time job is just to research and try and fail but to keep trying to gain control back and find my base line.
I spent a lot of time walking this day because I would feel overwhelmed and sad so I would walk, they were 5-10 minute walks throughout the day but enough for me to tell my brain to quiet down. I did 20523 steps on this day. I cannot live my life like this but I can certainly use these small walks as therapy until I find the balance between hormones, medications, life and self.