Recently there have been longer periods of time between my writings. I’m still journaling every day but not blogging as much, but there is a reason behind it. Over the course of the last several months I have not been feeling myself, in fact most days I feel like I am on the outside looking in or worse that an alien is inside of me and taken over. I have been extra stressed, way moody, extremely tired and I deal with fatigue but nothing like this, and hungry, hungry and did I mention hungry. I am already seeing my AIP doctor trying to get my MCTD even more under control and maybe getting off some medications but now we have put that on hold while I figure out what is happening. Most men are reading this going “oh who cares” most women are reading this yelling at the screen “it’s your hormones.”
I totally know that this 40 year old body is in perimenopause but I don’t know what hormones are doing what yet. For 10 years I have jumped out of bed most mornings with a smile, feeling well rest, and ready to start my workout. Now I wake up and have to have a conversation with myself about the benefits of getting up. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I am so hungry all day long and not for my Paleo food but for sugary, sweet, glutenous treats. Most mornings now I am literally negotiating with myself in order not to derail from just regular life tasks such as eating right, exercising some and trying to get enough sleep. I am barely sleeping at night and barely functioning during the day.
The good news is that I’m at 83 days without a flare-up, but the bad news I don’t really care. I am not myself and really I don’t like this woman that I stare out in the morning mirror. We use to be good friends, now if I could get as far away as possible from her it would be a great day but the problem is we are attached. We (I say as though we are two people because I really feel like we are) are working with my doctor to get these hormones balanced once again so I that I can start thinking normally again. My husband doesn’t recognize me most days but is so supportive and reminds me that I’m in there somewhere begging to get out; the right door just hasn’t been opened yet.
Here is the tough consequence of life, you feel really awful and life pushes you to make the wrong decisions. Unfortunately every time I make these wrong decisions I feel so much worse. It is a vicious cycle that I have heard other people talk about but never witnessed myself. I have reached a pivotal point my life where I now know exactly how hard it really is to just do the right thing every time for your health and body. Once my balance is found and I can reduce the stress, get some sleep and stop these cravings I am hoping that I can feel good again about many things, right now thinking is a hard task that I try not to do too much of.