I’m saying good-bye to a good friend, she happens to be my sweet kitty cat but a dear friend to me. She came into my life as Moab 13 years ago with her sister Zion and along the way she was my Missy Robinson until my husband entered my life and she decided at first she wasn’t thrilled with a man living with us so she turned into Pissy Robinson. We became one loving family and Missy became Mimi but she will always be my “baby girl.”
She has cuddled with me when I was sad or not feeling well. She has sat on my lap many a weekends while I read or watched movies. She has been my little shadow for 13 years. It doesn’t seem like 13 years is that many when I think of all the times we have had together and honestly it just seems too short. I feel like there is so much for us to do but this is a part of life. The hardest part really is saying good-bye to anyone. She has been so close to me for so long that I realized I haven’t even developed the same relationship with her sister. I love my Zion very much but she really wants food and water and sometimes love from me while Moab wants my undivided attention and love. She would give up food to sit in my lap and be cuddled.
I have told her some of my deepest secrets since I knew she would never breathe a word to anyone about them. I’m sure she felt replaced a time or 2 by my husband but she grew to love him and welcomed him into our home. She showed her love to us whenever possible and allowed us to love her just as much. I will take her to the end of her life which is too soon for me and yes she is being spoiled absolutely deliciously right now which she deserves 200%
The next day or so my house will be a little more quiet and I’ll be extremely sad but I will use this time to build a long overdue bond with my other favorite feline Zion and take her until the end of her life as well spoiling her now. This is all part of life but let’s face facts I have a 97 year old grandmother and loss is not something I’m all that familiar with, thankfully. Any loss is hard and letting our animals go is not an easy good-bye but they are good-byes we must all make.
Today I’m logging 2 days without a flare-up the fatigue that I’m still feeling from Saturday has me moving slowly today. I am not as active as I normally am but I’m listening to what my body needs and it needs rest. A little yoga probably would have felt good this morning but rest took over. I have a nice warm yoga session tonight and I’ll just work through the postures. My body doesn’t hurt today and I don’t feel like I’m in flare I’m just dealing with the residual fatigue that is lingering.
Yesterday I went back to zero days without a flare and I find it interesting that I just wrote a blog about flares, what they mean to me and how I determine one. There was no question that Saturday was a full blown flare for me. I woke up in the middle of the night edgy and unable to sleep.
On my way to Bikram the sore throat started but I thought maybe the Bikram practice would help. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. This time it didn’t really work in the flare flavor. During my practice I could feel the pain and burning start in my joints and especially my lower back. The instructor came up to me and asked if I was alright since I was extremely pale. I told her not to worry about me and I did what my body would allow me to do. For instance when we hit the floor our transition posture is a situp but my lower back was not allowing any situps so I just rolled to one side and sat up. I had to make many modifications to my practice while also remaining true to alignment. I was exhausted when I was finished and walking very gingerly for everything from my jaw to my feet was hurting.
As soon as I walked through the door my husband knew immediately what was happening and just helped me upstairs to a shower then to lie down to wait it out. I spent the day moving very slowly but moving when I could and this morning I was right back to normal. I feel tired but my body is good as new. This is a debilitating flare and it comes on fast and hard with serious consequence and then gone just as fast. I don’t know if I appreciate the fury of this type of flare or if the teetering for days but no pain is better. I guess neither is great, just life.
Last night on our way to yoga my husband asked me how long it had been since I had a flare. I stated as of yesterday 115 days and he said really, but you weren’t feeling well and smelling the gas smell. After we started talking he made mention that he believes I’m having “flares” but not calling them flares or believing they are flares. I explained my idea of a flare was not being able to get out of bed or feeling so bad I need to take time off from work or miss an engagement I was looking forward to. Giving up a yoga session because my body wouldn’t take me through the moves or finding myself in bed instead of doing something fun with him.
His explanation is that those are debilitating flares but don’t I have days that I feel achy or my hair hurts and still continue on with my day? The answer to his question is yes but I don’t know if I consider that a flare. That is a teeter or a warning to take notice and make a change. I understand where he is coming from and I do notice all the little changes that happen to my body and the little signs that it is time to stop, take notice and rest but a flare for me is debilitating and it strikes with great pain and bed rest. My flare the last time came in the form of a headache that put me in bed for a few days. Not my typical type of flare but I knew immediately that my body was turning on itself. That is how I determine a flare. I’m sure everyone has their own rules and ideas for what constitutes a flare for them and this is how we judge our days.
I mentioned in a few blogs back that last month in my Yoga Immersion class we practiced and studied another of the yamas which is Truth. Many people don’t go around lying in their day but do we really tell the truth all the time? My month was difficult because I believe I am a very honest person and people can trust what I say and do. My husband says I’m honest to a fault with one notion in mind, not hurting anyone’s feelings.
Is that really such a bad thing? I don’t want to make it my mission to tell the fullest version of the truth as I know it and hurt people in the process. As a human, woman, wife, daughter, sister, auntie, friend, co-worker we do and say things that are the correct things to do and say because we are good people. There are times I would rather not do something and I have to analyze the situation carefully for me and make a decision.
I have decided there are many shades of truth not just black and white versions. Some of my forms come in beautiful shades of periwinkle, purple, fuchsia and aqua. If I wake up not feeling great but I know that I’m pushing through my day I’m not going to broadcast to everyone that approaches me that I’m stiff, sore, cranky and not exactly feeling myself. They may pick up on that and ask me about it and I try to limit my conversations around that subject based on my audience. This is not lying in my mind even if it isn’t a true black and white truth.
I work in Corporate America dealing with people all day long can I really say what is on my mind, of course not. I can however, go back to stage one which is flipping the negative thoughts into positive thoughts and I’m still focused on that task and practicing that all the time. That has actually helped keep me very sane in stressful situations. The non-judgmental is going just as I thought. I really am not a judgmental person and very opened to all kinds of things and especially new ideas and philosophies. The truth came down to one simple aspect for me. Can I sleep at night? Did I do or say anything during the day that would keep me up worrying about it at night and the answer is no I don’t.
I want to be the best I can be in all the roles I play in my life. I struggle like everyone and I am challenged all the time but at the end of the day I go to bed, say good-night to my husband and know I am a good person, doing good work, and helping others around me as I can.
Next month is stealing. Of course I do not take things that do not belong to me EVER. I find the act of stealing so primitive and necessary. I don’t have reason to take anything from anyone. With that said can I understand why a starving person would steal? Yes and no. I might not like the act but it doesn’t mean I don’t like the person. However, my yoga instructor threw this out there to me “do you ever steal someone’s peace?” That gave me pause and in a few months I hope I have a good answer.
I like getting other people involved in my challenges as well and I was able to get my fitbit buddies involved in this one. It is easy since we are linked by our steps so we know what each person is doing anyways and then being part of the walk social group as well with strangers has been fun. It is no secret I log a lot of time in yoga studios and that doesn’t require steps of any sort. I actually unleash the fitbit from my person and just enjoy my practice. This however makes it look like to my fellow fitbitters that I’m a bit of a slacker. I say that in jest since they all know me well enough to know that I stay active even if the steps don’t show it.
I typically don’t have a problem staying motivated during the day when I’m feeling good. I am lacking motivation to get up early in the dark and cold and head out first thing in the morning but I’m pushing through. I’m also lacking motivation in eating right all day when I really just want yummy, gooey, chocolaty foods sprinkled with a little sea salt of course. Those are my motivation issues. However, once I’m up and moving the dark cold lack of motivations disperses but the eating gooey is with me all day.
Warm and Bikram don’t really go together. Hot and Bikram certainly go hand in hand. Although last night during my warm yoga session she focused on the Bikram style poses. We did it in a vinyasa flow but still we were stopping to hold poses such as awkward, tree, forehead to knee, bow pulling pose, half-moon and others. The difference for me was she wanted our eyes closed and I completely lose my balance with my eyes closed and we didn’t have mirrors. My mental state knows that when I’m in Bikram poses I need to be looking directly in my eyes and focusing on myself. I don’t close my eyes for any part of the practice, I’m not looking at the floor unless the posture requires me too, but I spend a lot of time finding my Drishti: Drishti: A Single Point of Focus in Your Yoga Practice.
When she asked us to close our eyes I did try it but found I opened them pretty quickly again out of fear. I tend to get dizzy when my eyes are closed and who likes the dizzy feeling? I also found that holding some of the postures without seeing myself was very difficult. I do Bikram regularly but not seeing yourself you really feel what your body is doing versus seeing what your body is doing. I couldn’t hold the postures very long and certainly not the length of time that Bikram would require but it was interesting to feel my way through my Bikram practice. Now when I walk back into the Bikram studio it will probably be a new experience for me and I’ll try to feel my way through a real Bikram practice and not rely solely on my seeing my practice. It is nice to change things up and try new ways of doing the same practice.
In Tree, the Birkam way versus vinyasa is different anyways and honestly the vinyasa way is much harder for me. I have a difficult time keeping my foot against my leg. In Bikram I can hold my foot unless I’m moving into Toe Stand and then there is no holding needed. The concept of the different postures are the same and yet very different. I think that is why I enjoy so many types of yoga because they are connected but you do them or try them just a little differently.