I wrote recently about having a lack of motivation and finding myself in a funk with weather and trying to figure out how to get back into the game of life.  I realize now that I’m actually feeling sad.  I don’t have any real reason to feel sad but I was reading a book that is so far from sad it doesn’t make any sense but I was started to cry while reading it.

Yesterday morning on my way to Bikram it was 5am and I didn’t have the radio on in my car nor was I do anything other than driving to my favorite type of yoga and started to cry.  Again, I have no idea what brought it on and honestly I felt better after my cry but still unclear why it happened. I certainly think I’m in a funk but I also think that it probably won’t take long to get out of the funk either. 

Yesterday afternoon it was very warm and sunny here in Portland Maine so I used that time to
walk to the library and get some new books, walked to the yoga store for some shopping and took my walk right down to the water where I sat and started reading one of my books.  I will blog about this book
after I’m done because chapter 1 and I’m hooked.  It is a book about MCTD, UCTD, Lupus and other autoimmune but not written by a doctor, instead written by a woman who is living with it.  I can’t
wait to finish this book and it probably won’t take me long and I’ll share the details.  That brings me to my next crying episode which happened while I was reading this book.  She didn’t say anything sad, I didn’t feel bad for her, I didn’t feel bad for me but I was feeling  bad for people with autoimmune diseases in
general.  A good friend of mine got tested yesterday because she has not been feeling well now for months and they cannot figure out what is wrong with her.  I’m no doctor and don’t pretend to know how
frustrating it is for them to constantly see a patient and not have any news for them or be able to tell them what is wrong.

My symptoms were so clear that my general doctor figured autoimmune but needed the expert to confirm. My ANA test was clear that I had MCTD.  I just read an article in Prevention (April issue) that a woman lost all her hair and developed joint pain and had other symptoms they couldn’t figure out but blamed it on stress, and it turns out after several years of going undiagnosed she had Lupus.  I am not saying I enjoy
having MCTD but I have a name for it, I have a game plan, I have a treatment and I’m typically on the same page with my doctors about what needs to be done.  I would think that not knowing what is wrong
would actually be worse than hearing you have an incurable disease which is an autoimmune disease.

I write in my journal and this blog to help me get my thoughts out and sometimes they are jumbled and scattered and unclear even to me but this helps me figure out where I am at the present moment.  Presently I’m sad but working towards finding that peace again.



  1. o--kAne101--o January 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm Reply

    This is probably the first ever blog I have read. I liked it. Sadness and all. I wish you luck with your illness, you have had an impact in my day *
    An image that indirectly lead me to your page: http://my.deviantart.com/messages/#/d4kz66b


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