Yesterday morning I was ready to venture back into the Bikram studio. I have been going to Bikram regularly 3-5 times a week and in the month of Feb I only made it into the Bikram studio 4 times. My body has to readjust to the heat, the intensity, and the mental challenges. I got over there early so I could get into the room and just adapt to the heat. The yogis are very pleased when they see me and I love that feeling. I feel like I’m letting them down and letting myself down when I don’t go but I really feel like I’m letting myself down when I don’t have a good practice.
This time I envisioned a great practice and saw myself really enjoying the 90 minutes. However when the class started the dizziness came on quick. I tried to clear my head and just relax through it. I have done this so many times I can’t figure out why I’m struggling so badly now. I get that I’m weak but when will the good feelings of Bikram be back?
At one point I actually saw my color change in the mirror and woman who is very friendly to me said after class that she saw my skin go green. I try to hide how I’m feeling from the other people but when you feel that bad you just can’t hide it. I thank her for caring but told her not to worry and that I would be back in the studio this week. She has a nice energy and I want to sap as much of that energy from her as I can. I feel stronger when I’m around people like that and hoping that being around it now will help me get stronger faster.
I’ve lost confidence in myself and every time I walk into the Bikram studio I’m nervous and every time I walk into the gym and get on the elliptical machine I’m nervous. I worked so hard to get to the point where I was and now I have to build confidence in myself as well as trust myself and my body. I need to push myself a bit but not over push. It is a fine line and I’m not sure I know exactly where that line is but I need to find it if I expect to get back to where I was before Feb and the illnesses came crashing down on me.